How do people discover a passion? Does a "passion" stem from finding something you're exceptionally good at? And what if you have found something(s) you're good at, but your heart just isn't in it? What if the something people compliment you most on is not something you really love doing, or want to make a career out of? (e.g. I have been told I am a good writer (I still don't really believe this, because I've read enough to know that I am nothing compared to others), but I don't want to be an author).
I believe that the success in whatever someone chooses to devote most of their time to, is partially based on hard work, but also partially based on skill, talent - which kind of scares me because, what if I do find something I really love, but I'm naturally terrible at it? I've faced this kind of dilemma in classes a lot (especially this semester so far) - I really love the subject, and admire the teacher, and try to make useful comments in class, but I am always overshadowed by everyone else and just get kind of sad looks from the professor, accompanied by a dismissal of my answer. I mean, part of my problem with this is I really want people I like and respect to like and respect me too, and I feel like I lose the possibility of a good relationship with a professor when I sound like an idiot (I'm really not an idiot, I swear! How do I prove myself when I don't have a chance to organize my thoughts in writing instead of struggling to utilize the spoken word?). But another part of the problem is my realization that, even though I find the subject fascinating, I just can't get things right, I can't wrap my head around the concepts correctly. While I dick around a lot, I still prepare for classes and study like nobody's business, and I am of the mind that above all else, my academic success is a reflection of my intelligence, what I can do, and I have this huge (arrogant?) tendency to try to prove myself (shout out to the Hermione Grangers of the world). So, what do I do to keep from feeling like I'm stupid, like I've hit a wall, when I can't seem to succeed in subjects that interest me?
I'm sure this is something we all worry about - particularly college-age kids, who are constantly bombarded with the opposing positions of "what are you doing to do after you graduate?/you need to get a job asap/why don't you know what you want to do yet?" and "it's okay, you're only ___, you're not supposed to know what you want to do yet!/you have plenty of time/I still don't know what I want to do!" (that last one is always particularly reassuring). How do we escape this? How do we not worry about falling into a job and a life that we hate? How do we discover something we love more than anything else? How do we deviate from social norms and feel genuinely okay about just studying things we like and just relying on life to pull us in the right direction?
I have no idea what I want to do after graduation, this is nothing new. I have never known. I used to want to be a writer, simply because I enjoy doing it - I'm doing it right now as a leisurely exercise - but there is too much that comes with being a writer that I don't want to do (dull, too much pressure, deadlines, work at home, nothing changes, no personal interaction), and thus, I have lost that dream. I wanted to teach English in Korea, until I realized I'd be better off with a teaching degree/certificate, and that's not something I want to take the time and effort to do, and that I don't want to be seen as that asshole foreign English teacher (there are a lot of foreigners in Korea that are so insensitive and ethnocentric and I really resent them for giving a bad name to the rest of us who want to work there). When I was six, I wanted to be a paleontologist, until I realized I have no knack for science and it's not just digging up dinosaurs. I don't even know what I want to do after I graduate, which is really scary because I need to start planning right now. This is legitimately something people cannot keep telling me to worry about later, because if I want to go to graduate school, I need to take the GRE and apply to schools, and if I want to do something else, I need to apply now. I have yet to find a subject that I genuinely like.
So, where do I look to find something I may pursue somewhere along the line? I look first at the things I know I hate and am not (and will never be, because I hate them) good at - and luckily, there are a lot: accounting, physics, biology, statistics, economics, etc. Then, I look at my major and the classes I've taken and enjoyed - I am majoring in International Studies, with an emphasis on Korean Studies. I really liked my intercultural communications class, film classes, Korean language (obviously), linguistics (kind of, to some extent), Harry Potter class!, Korean history (because I was good at it, and it was literature-based). Through other random courses, I've learned that I have lost my passion for theatre in general. I still hate math, and don't understand statistics. I like discussing social issues, but hate when the people I am talking to have such secured, specific opinions and a closed mind (this is one of the reasons I have an academic-crush on my new East Asian Film professor - he comes off so goddamn intelligent, yet down to earth, and it's awesome. But I'm also intimidated by him, ha). And at least I'm graduating with a degree that I do have some interest in, even if it's not useful. At least I know that I want to get a further education, and a higher degree, even though I don't know what I want to major in. Some people (lots of people) are switching their majors even at this stage - which is totally fine! don't get me wrong! - but I guess I'm glad that I am aware of so many things I really dislike and I am in touch with myself enough to know a field in which I'd (for the most part) be interested in, regardless of the required classes.
I know that I want a job in which I can express my opinions, in a creative and assertive way, and be respected for it. I want to not just sit around all day, and even though I'm introverted, I want to interact with people. I want to be in charge of something to some extent, because I can't stand when other people do things their own [wrong] way. I want to continue to be able to read articles and learn things that I find interesting and exercise my mind, even if they don't pertain directly to my career necessarily. I want to be able to incorporate some sort of creative art (not theatre) such as music, film, tv, books, some other means of contemporary media, because that's what I enjoy. I spend a lot of time consuming things like this and being overly critical of it, and I enjoy connecting contemporary media and the way people or ideas are portrayed to societal issues or social problems. I like knowing how people interact, although not in a psychological way, more in a way that relates to how different cultures consume certain products enthusiastically, and reject others adamantly. I don't want to sell things to people, I don't care about how things are marketed, but more why they are that way, and why it is beneficial/harmful to certain societies.
This has turned into some sort of academic rant, but my point is that finding a passion is really hard, but I think sometimes we just have to tune out everyone else's big-mouthed opinions and just focus on ourselves. We're not selfish for doing things that make us happy. We're not failures if we don't go to school, or if we don't get a degree, or if our degree is useless. People can be just as fulfilled and satisfied with their lives with a high school diploma as they can with a PhD. It is not the paper record of the classes we've taken or the part-time jobs we've had in the past that determine how happy we can be. It is instead our drive and focus and hard work and genuine passion for what we love that will make us both successful and happy. We need to learn how to love those who love us, to learn new things every day and be able to discuss those things with other people. We need to stop worrying for five minutes, and just listen to a song that is our favorite, not because it is a great work of composition, but because it fills us with joy. We need to listen to each other, approach things with an open mind, share our cultures, our experiences, our thoughts, and ourselves. We must all have the confidence that we are not just numbers, but that we are all individuals with unique pains and unique interests and that we are all genuinely interesting.
I want to be happy. Everyone wants to be happy. We should remember that everyone is lost in some way - everyone has experienced something that has hurt them and everyone is fucked up - and we should do our best to not make things harder on each other. I don't know what I want to "do with my life," I don't know what I'm passionate about, but that's part of life. I aim to keep in mind that it is not that one thing (a career, a romantic partner, a child, whatever) that is the end all, be all and the key to my fulfillment, but rather that it is the things along the way that make life wonderful. I don't have a career path (and I don't have a boyfriend, much to my grandparents' chagrin), but I have the best friends in the world, I have supportive parents, I have lived abroad, I have traveled around the world, I have studied a second language, I have been to a concert where I felt perhaps the happiest I've ever felt, I have stayed up all night with brilliant people, discussing anything and everything, and these are the things that make my life worth living. I may not be a happy person, but I am getting there, and I implore everyone to just let go and try to be happy - don't worry so much, and find time to do the things you enjoy, the things that make the minutes fly by, the things that you won't regret doing when you look back on how you spent your time in your 20s.
The pursuit of happiness is perhaps the most difficult journey any person must experience, but it is also the most rewarding.
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